Cruise Post #10: You're too dumb to watch the news

Today's inclement weather reminds me of our second day on the cruise, when we were at St. Thomas. Strangely, we received news from the New York area while we were on the cruise. I was expecting to receive news from the Miami stations. That Sunday night, I was watching the news (there wasn't much else to choose from) and saw that there had been a huge storm in the NY area, causing floods and an unexpected temperature drop.

It had been disgustingly hot in NY when we left for the cruise, so hearing about the gorgeous weather that arrived just as we left really boiled my potatoes. I was thinking, "I could be home, not getting docked at work for this week, hugging my kitties, and gallavanting in the lovely non-humid niceness rather than trying not to punch any of the Nocheeses."

As we relaxed in Magen's Bay of St. Thomas, I tried to make conversation with Mr. Nocheese.

ME
The weather here is beautiful, but it turns out that NY is down to the 70s this week.

MR. NOCHEESE
No it's not. The weather is predicted to be in the 90s this week.

ME
There was a huge storm last night in NY and it affected the temperature. I saw it on the news last night. It was so severe that in one house, a tree branch was driven through the roof and into the family's living room and almost struck a kid while she was having dinner!

At this time, the rest of the Nocheeses gather around us as I disagree with their oh-so-knowledgeable patriarch, staring at me because how dare I have the nerve to contradict him!

MR. NOCHEESE
No, the weather is predicted to be in the 90s this week.

MY INNER MONOLOGUE
He thinks I'm making this up!

ME
Okay. I'm just telling you what I saw on the news.

WHAT I THINK MR. NOCHEESE WAS THINKING
What a stupid little Asian girl. She's making up stuff and trying to substantiate her words by saying she watched the news. Obviously, she is too dumb to watch the news if she quit law school! I am so smart!

Two days later, Mr. Nocheese told me that he had been watching the news and said that I was right about the temperature being in the 70s that week. I wasn't feeling victorious over what he said because he said it as though conferring a great honor upon me. It was more like him saying, "What a good girl! You wanna biscuit? Wanna biscuit! Yes you do! What a smart girl!!"

It turns out that Mr. Nocheese's uncanny ability to predict the weather is not restricted to his shiny pate of a head. His sons have inherited his innate sense of weather! The night before our debarkation, MB and CC wouldn't stop worrying about the supposed storms in the NY area.

COMPUTER COUSIN
There are supposed to be thunder storms that Sunday. We'll probably get home so much later because of them.

JOSH
Well, the storms might pass by the time we land. We're not supposed to get back until 4:00 and your flight is even later than ours.

MAMA'S BOY
No, there are supposed to be huge storms all morning. We're not going to get home on time.

JOSH
Exactly. The storms are in the morning. Our flights don't arrive until after 4:00.

ME
[checking the weather on weather.com]
It says that the rain is only in the morning and will most likely end by the time we even leave Puerto Rico.

COMPUTER COUSIN
Those storms are going to make our flights late. They'll probably be delayed in Puerto Rico.

ME
Whatever.

Cruise Post #9: Until you reminded me, I was planning on being helpless.

Remember how I thought Josh and I would be able to do what we wanted during the day and meet up with his family for dinner? Even Josh’s mom said that we would be able to do this when they were asking me to go on the cruise.

Unfortunately, all those words were empty. Not only were we joined to Josh’s parents by the hip, I had apparently become 5 years old! Take the following example from when we were about to head to the beach:

JOSH’S MOM
Did you remember to put on sun block?

MY INNER MONOLOGUE
No, I was thinking about cultivating a massive sunburn to end all sunburns and possibly getting skin cancer, but thanks to you, I’ve changed my mind

ME
Yes.

On evenings when we were going to attend a pre-dinner performance, Josh’s dad would call us and say that he was coming to pick us up. I would stare incredulously at the phone after hearing those words, wondering why Josh and I would need to be “picked up” to attend a show that was just three floors below ours. It’s not like we had to drive somewhere or we had no sense of direction (actually, the “grown-ups” had the worst sense of direction out of all of us). In fact, Josh’s parents would walk to our end of the ship to pick us up only to double back towards their cabin because the auditorium was on their end of the ship! Also, why did we have to sit together at the show anyway? It’s not like we talk to each other during the performance.

Sometimes, Josh and I would leave the cabin early on purpose to avoid the “we’re coming to pick you up” phone call. Then we would head to the dining room early and wait for the rest of our party, smiling at them, showing that despite the fact Josh’s parents thought we were morons and couldn’t find our way out of a wet paper bag, we managed to find the dining room ourselves and arrive before the rest of them.

Cruise Post #8: A Grand Day Out

I can tell you one person in our group had a smashbang time on the cruise: Josh's little brother ("JLB").

Josh's little brother LOVES food. He's one of those kids who asks what's for dinner when he's just started eating his lunch. His favorite dish is shrimp and pasta. If this option is unavailable, any type of seafood tossed in pasta will do just fine. If there's a bread basket at the table, he'll manage to sneak a couple pieces without his mom noticing.

JOSH'S MOM
[Josh's little brother], how many pieces of bread did you have? I gave you one to start.

JOSH'S LITTLE BROTHER
One.....

JOSH'S MOM
Are you sure you had only one?

JOSH'S LITTLE BROTHER
I had three!

There was no bread basket at our table, but the assistant server for our table was constantly replenishing JLB's bread plate, so we never really knew how much bread he ate.

Another day, JLB got lost on the ship. Even though I say that the ship wasn't as large as the one we were on last year, it's still a huge place for a kid to be lost in. Josh's parents wanted to take a walk and JLB was focused on the TV, so they told him to keep watching TV while they went out for a walk.

When Josh's parents returned to the cabin, JLB was gone. Josh's parents called me and the Nocheese family, and he wasn't with any of us. I left my cabin to join the search for JLB, only to bump into Mr. and Mrs. Nocheese. We walked towards Josh's parents' cabin and there were a couple stewards in the hallway. I began to speak to one of them, inquiring about a wandering kid when Mrs. Nocheese butted in, saying, "Dora, no. He speak Russian. I vill speak to heem." Okay fine, if her wish is to act as though he is unable to communicate with English-speaking guests, go right ahead.

I left the Nocheeses behind and ran into Josh's parents, plus JLB, on the way. It turns out that JLB managed to get from the sixth to the third floor of the ship and spoke to the information desk staff. He wrote out his name and home address, saying, "I lost my family, especially my daddy."

Cruise Post #7: The Nocheese No Cheese Policy

As their surname shows, the members of the Nocheese family do not like cheese.

If Josh and I ever wanted freshly grated parmesan cheese atop our salad or pasta, Computer Cousin would say, "You've just destroyed your food." I'm sorry, but it's not like we put cheese on his food.

CC and MB once ordered steaks that had gorgonzola butter sauce on top (can't alter the food order because the kitchen prepares meals in mass quantity). They wound up cutting around the sauce rather than ordering something else that would result in less work, and less bitching from MB.

One night, tiramisu was on the dessert menu. One of the ingredients in this dessert is mascarpone cheese. It doesn't really taste cheesey, just creamy.

MR. NOCHEESE
I love tiramisu! I always get it if it's on a menu when I go out.
[Looks at the tiramisu details]
It says there's mascarpone cheese in it though.

JOSH'S DAD
Tiramisu always has mascarpone cheese in it.

MR. NOCHEESE
I didn't know that.

RONZINI
What would you like for dessert this evening?

MR. NOCHEESE
I'll have the chocolate cake.

So even though Mr. Nocheese has been enjoying tiramisu without a problem for years, once he found out there was cheese in it, he couldn't have it. Never mind the fact that he's never complained about a cheesey taste in any tiramisu - the fact that something that falls under the cheese family is involved in his once-beloved dessert means that he will forsake the cursed dessert henceforth.

That's the Nocheese No Cheese policy.

Sweet freedom

Yesterday, I decided to read one of my numerous work-gained books on the roof since it was gorgeous outside. When I got up there, I saw two NYLS students, one from my applied ANAL-ysis group of first semester. It turns out that she didn't realize that I wasn't in class this week, and she asked me why I decided not to go back. I told her that I got a good job and the other student asked me if I planned on going back after some time to obtain my law degree. I gave him an emphatic "no" and my former group member said, "You were that unhappy?"

I told her that I wasn't that proud of what I accomplished during first year and I wasn't really interested in what I learned.

What I didn't say: I don't think I'm passionate enough about the law to force myself to endure the stress and frustration of going to law school. In order to survive all of that, you need a genuine interest in the law... or you just have to be violently passionate about becoming the next asshole lawyer on the block (which, I guarantee you, a few of my former classmates are already on their way to becoming).

Having said my part to my former classmates, I left them with their laptops, highlighters, and heavy textbooks so I could enjoy my book in a lounge chair on a beautiful day, sipping my iced latté.

Cruise Post #6: Table manners

Dinner was somewhat entertaining every night, or at least provided conversation fodder for Josh and me.

Mama's Boy ("MB") proved his semi-skin-deep sophistication time and time again during our meals. For example, he would spout his New York restaurant knowledge at Josh and me, as though we were uncultured bumpkins. His restaurant knowledge amounted to "Shake Shack makes the best burgers ever and Aureole is the #1 Zagats restaurant in New York." MB is ridiculously wrong about Aureole being the #1 restaurant. According to the 2005 Zagat Guide, Gramercy Tavern is #1. Josh tried to argue with MB about Aureole (which MB has never dined at personally), but like his father, Mr. Nocheese, MB does not take kindly to conflicting facts or opinions.

Twice, our server did not bring MB a steak knife. Each of these times, MB would wax poetic about how the server did not bring him a steak knife. While he wasted his breath on his complaints, he did not remind the server about the knife or ask for one at all. Mrs. Nocheese would say, "He forget knife? I vill ask for you." Mrs. Nocheese is a fan of thinking that younger people cannot handle problems themselves and she therefore must take charge, as evidenced by the way she treated me during our week together. Perhaps it's my fault I reacted to her behavior so strongly because I'm fiercely independent to a fault. I believe she gets this young-people-today-don't-know-how-to-do-anything attitude from her youngest offspring, MB. Another time, MB did not receive his fruit salad appetizer.

MAMA'S BOY
I can't believe stupid Ronzini forgot my food again!

MRS. NOCHEESE
He forget food? I vill ask for you.

MAMA'S BOY
No! I don't want to ask him for my fruit salad now. I'm going to wait until the most inconvenient time to ask for it. I'll ask for my appetizer when we're having dessert!

MRS. NOCHEESE
You not get food. I vill ask for you.

Computer Cousin, Josh, and I complained that MB's "revenge strategy" would be unnecessarily rude and callous to Ronzini. At this point, I'll point out that MB was the only one in our party whose food or steak knife was ever forgotten.

I think Ronzini was an excellent judge of character.

Cruise Post #5: Cribs

Let me tell you about our cabin for the cruise. Josh and I wanted an interior cabin since windows are useless and balconies are expensive. We wound up with a balcony cabin because there were no interiors left. This goes to show that you should book your cruise vacation early so you can get what you want and not wind up spending extra money.

It turns out that the air conditioning in our cabin wasn't working very well. I paged our steward twice the first day and never got a response. I wound up calling the room service number and they supposedly put in a service request for me. Mama's Boy said that their room was frigid (screw you, MB!), but sadly, our air conditioning worsened as the week went on.

On the morning of the second day, I discovered that our toilet wasn't working. That sure is the first thing you want to find out right after your morning bathroom visit! Fortunately, it only took Carnival most of the morning to fix the toilet.

Another time, Josh and I were going back to our cabin and found that we could only open the door about an inch because it kept banging into something. It turns out that the closet door had come off its track and was strategically blocking the cabin door. I had to wiggle my fingers around and push the closet door back so we could squeeze in.

Does anyone still want to go on Carnival?

Cruise Post #4: Are you in or out of line?

Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, but it took a hell of a time for ours to get to that point. On our first day of "vacation," we stood on a total of eight lines. The first two were at the airport, and that was to be expected.

I didn't expect the purgatory that Carnival offered in generous helpings. I was mistaken in thinking that the Carnival embarkation would be as smooth as Royal Caribbean when Josh and I took a cruise on Voyager of the Seas last year. That time, we sailed from Miami, FL, and the cheapest way to fly there was to take an early flight. It worked in our favor because the Royal Caribbean transfer allowed us on the dock early and we got into the terminal right away. Once inside, there were many stations to check us in and we embarked in less than half an hour. It was smooth and painless.

When we were at the Carnival dock in San Juan, Puerto Rico, (1) we stood in a herd outside of the terminal funneling towards a very small spot. People who had Carnival transfers were stuck because they had to wait to leave the airport. They didn't get onboard any earlier than we did. It turns out that the crowd was funneling to two San Juan employees who were looking to see if we had cruise tickets. Josh and I got through, but the woman who'd just let us through decided to stop working right before Josh's family's turn. After a while, the other worker checked them in, all so we could (2) wait in line AGAIN to get into the actual terminal.

(3) Then there was an hour-long line to check-in to the actual ship. We did what Carnival said and registered with their "Funpass" and completed the check-in process beforehand. It was ridiculously useless. The line for "Funpass" was 100 people long, and the one for those people smart enough NOT TO FOLLOW CARNIVAL INSTRUCTIONS was only 10 people long!

After that, there was(4) another line to take a picture we wound up looking really pissed in, then (5) another line to get through security, (6) another line to take pictures for our ID. I would call the buffet line for the crappy (worse than college dining hall food) lunch number 7, but Josh says I shouldn't.

The whole process only took 3 hours in total!

Cruise Post #3: Why think while on vacation?

Some people like to read on their vacations, and I'm one of them. I actually read 4 books during the week. Some people like to stop reading altogether during their vacation.

For example, Mrs. Nocheese didn't read the menu. One night, my cream of broccoli soup was served to me and she was astounded to find that it was on the menu at all. Another night, Mrs. Nocheese ordered the chocolate mousse. When it came, she got all pissed off because it wasn't chocolate mousse cake. There was no hint of the chocolate mousse being a cakey dessert.

Another night, both Josh's mom and Mrs. Nocheese were shocked to find that there was corn chowder on the menu. Josh's mom complained about the richness of the food all the time. She didn't seem to realize that there was a "spa menu" on the right side of the menu, which offered the regular main courses, minus any rich sauces and sometimes substituting healthier sides.

Clearly, they decided not to read their menus that week.

During the first night, we didn't have our regular dinner table. The cruise was offering "open seating," and gave two times to eat, depending on whether you were a 6:00 or 8:00 seating for the rest of the week. According to the instructions left in our cabins, we had to show up at 8:45 to eat dinner. Mr. Nocheese made us leave for dinner at 7:50, only to find that we couldn't get into the dining room. I kept saying, "Dinner is open seating tonight at 8:45."

ME
Dinner is open seating tonight at 8:45.

MR. NOCHEESE
No, it's open seating. We can eat whenever we want starting at 8:00.

ME
No, open seating means that we don't sit at our assigned table. We don't get to eat until 8:45.

MR. NOCHEESE
[Repeats his belief]

ME
It's in the newsletter they gave us in the cabin.

At 8:15, Mr. and Mrs. Nocheese accost a busboy about when they can eat and he tells them the wrong time of 8:30. We wind up waiting until 8:30, and they accost another dining room employee who gives them the correct time of 8:45.

Yeah, so what's with the thing "grown-ups" say about us young people not following instructions?

Cruise Post #2: Meet the Cast

Me (An ambivalent cruiser in regards to Carnival): I was offered the trip while I was waiting for my second semester law school grades to be released. Josh's parents said that they wanted to take me on the trip as a birthday present and said that I should relax before going back to law school (a.k.a. the house of pain). Of course, we all know that I decided to make my summer break from law school permanent. I figured I was being overly negative about Carnival and try to make the best of the vacation. After all, Josh's mom said that Josh and I didn't have to stick with the family the whole time as long as we dine together every evening. I thought that sounded good, and in the end, who's going to say "no" to a free cruise?

Josh (My boyfriend): He needed the vacation more than I did, considering his high-pressure summer job (a real legal job, unlike me, practically high off the fumes of my newfound job elation) and upcoming school year.

Josh's Mom: A stereotypical Jewish mother - 'nuff said.

Josh's Dad: I like to think of him as Mr. Common Sense. If it were feasible, I think he'd commute from central NJ to Manhattan on his bicycle every day to save gas, save parking fees, save bus tickets, and exercise all at once.

Josh's Little Brother: His whole world revolves around the next meal on the table (preferably shrimp and pasta).

Mr. Nocheese (Josh's uncle): He thinks he's a cruise expert because he took a Carnival cruise ten years ago (probably on the ship we just came back from) and a Princess Cruise in more recent years. Don't try to give him your opinion or established facts that you've heard about, unless you like being talked down to like you're five years old. He does not think that leaving law school for publishing is a good decision. He hates cheese.

Mrs. Nocheese (Josh's aunt): A very Russian, stereotypical Jewish mother. She defers to her husband for all matters and relieves her need to nag on the two Nocheese offspring. The cuisine she prepares at home involves lots of salt and no cheese.

Mama's Boy Nocheese (Josh's cousin, "MB" for short): He's a college student at GNYS (Generic New York School) studying investment banking or something financially generic. He enjoys speaking out of the right side of his mouth at all times and pouncing on you if you say anything he thinks is wrong (even though he's wrong about what he thinks is right). MB acts sophisticated, but his urbanity isn't even skin deep. He hates blogs (good thing he won't be reading mine!) and cheese.

Computer Cousin Nocheese (Josh's other cousin, "CC" for short): The oldest sibling of the Nocheese family, CC is entering his last year of college. After Josh, he was my preferred companion on the cruise. I was surprised to find such a normal person in such a shallow family. I guess there has to be a rebel in every family. However, just like the rest of his family, he hates cheese.

Cruise Post #1: How it all began

A few months ago, Josh's parents decided to go on a cruise to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They wanted Josh and me to go along to keep them company. Conversation with a party of consisting of each other and their younger son probably would've gotten stale after fifteen minutes. Josh's parents wanted to take me along as a birthday present.

I've never been offered such an extravagant birthday present, and Josh's parents are not even my family members. I tried to refuse because I didn't want to have any obligations to them and have to feel like I had to be an obedient daughter to them. I haven't married into their family yet! As you can figure out, I agreed to go on the cruise. Refusing so much would probably have looked rude after a while.

It turns out that Josh's parents wanted to join other family members for the cruise (Josh's cousins' family). They wound up deciding on taking the Carnival Destiny to the Southern Caribbean. I preferred Royal Caribbean because Josh and I had such a great time last year. However, Josh's uncle insisted on it being Carnival because he wanted to go to Aruba. Unfortunately, RC didn't offer Aruba for a port-of-call during the week we wanted, so the choices were automatically limited.

I tried calling Josh's uncle to give an opinion and offer the name of the cruise travel agent we used for our cruise, and he shot me down, acted condescending to me, and patronized me. I told Josh afterward that his uncle better hope that I don't sit across from him at the dinner table, lest he want the daggers from my eyeballs lodged in his smug face.

We were already off to a bad start and hadn't even stepped off dry land.

Home, sweet home

Normally, people think cruises are wondrous, luxurious, food-filled, relaxing vacations. My first two cruises were of this description, but the cruise I just returned from was anything but that.

I went on the cruise with Josh, his family, and his cousins' family. We left from San Juan, Puerto Rico on the Carnival Destiny for the ports of St. Thomas, Dominica, Barbados, and Aruba on Sunday, August 14 and returning in one week.

I felt as though the week would never end and I missed my job, apartment, cats, and air conditioning.

Since I'm so tired and dizzy (long story will follow this week) and I have work in the morning, so I'll make a bunch of posts about the cruise.

Mad as pants

I finished my second week of work, which was my first week working without one of my supervisors. With that supervisor gone, a lot of people looked to me to help them, and I was clueless about most stuff. I felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants. I got the hang of it eventually, or at least a good face to put on while I silently ran around screaming in my head, flailing my arms for help.

I left a note for my supervisor, who's returning on Monday, the first day of my week's vacation. It's not really a note - more of a long letter detailing the things I did, because I didn't stick to the list of things that he left me to do. I like the last line of the note:

"I didn't stick to just the list you left me - please don't kill me!"

One year

It's been about a year since I moved to New York City and a lot has changed since then.

I still remember the first day I officially lived in my apartment. I moved in a couple days earlier than I'd expected, so the cable installation was still two days away. I felt disconnected from the world without an internet connection or TV. That evening, I wasn't prepared to cook, so Josh and I went to the market to pick up some sushi, but also picked up these maple syrup stroop waffles. Now whenever I eat them, I think of the first day I lived in New York.

Since that first day, I've completed my first year of law school. Let's just say I was disappointed with the whole thing because the only thing I felt at the end of the school year was relief that I finished. There was no major feeling of accomplishment and pride. It was more of a feeling of, "Get me the hell out of here and so long suckers until fall semester!"

I learned that law school doesn't really teach you anything. Josh has learned more at his summer internship than in two semesters of law school. You can't even make an argument that law school teaches you how to pass the Bar exam, but your Bar review course teaches you everything you need to know. I once accused the law school of teaching you how to be a thick skinned lawyer because of all the useless and frustrating crap that gets thrown at you. My academic advisor denied that, of course. That's okay. I bet she didn't even like being a lawyer and that's why she came back for a cushy law school administration job (for a school whose administration does no administrating).

Now I've changed my life plans to pursue a career in publishing instead. That decision was the most comfortable one I've made in my life despite the money spent on that first year of law school. I constantly doubted my decision to go to law school but this is a decision that I don't doubt at all.

I wonder what living in New York City will be like now that I'm not tied up in all the law school hoo-ha and anxiety.

Grass is still green

I survived my first week as a production assistant! I learned a lot, but still have a long way to go. The job is definitely more interesting than my summer contracts internship. That probably confirms that I was best to get out of law school. When I open envelopes, I take out artwork and book covers. That is definitely an improvement over a bunch of contracts that all look/read the same.

One of my supervisors also told me that he's going to see if he can send me to one of our printing plants so I can better understand all the specifications better by seeing them in person.

To me, it's like going to a chocolate factory, only I can't eat the products.