Making the phone lines safe

I was sitting at my desk, ripping my hair out, thanks to my second appellate brief, when the telephone rang:

TELEMARKETER

Doooooooora!

DORA

Um... who is this?

TELEMARKETER

I'm calling on behalf of the New York City police chief, who's asking you for your sponsorship in some important programs. These programs include after-school programs for underprivileged children, reducing gun violence, and anti-terrorism. Is it all right if I ask you for your commitment of $30 and send you your decal with payment envelope to be returned in one week?

DORA

$30 is a lot of money! Why can't I decide how much to donate?

Wait, so you're sending me a bill?

TELEMARKETER

No, it's not a bill. [Repeat TELEMARKETER's above speech] The police chief is asking for your help and this is our once-a-year call.

DORA

Actually, I got a call in August being asked to contribute to the NYPD, and the guy who called me was really rude. He said I'd get a bumper sticker, but I told him I didn't have a car or bicycle to stick that bumper sticker to, and he told me to stick it on my forehead. I didn't appreciate being talked to like that.

TELEMARKETER

Oh.... that wasn't us. This is our first time calling you.

DORA

Yes, but you're calling for the NYPD, and that other guy in August was calling for the NYPD.

TELEMARKETER

[Repeat first speech]

DORA

You know, my friend once got a call like this, and she was sent a bill.

TELEMARKETER

Oh... really? This isn't a bill. I'm not asking for you to pay over the phone. I'm just asking for your commitment and we'll send you a decal and payment envelope for you to pay within a week.

DORA

You said that I have to pay within a week. That sounds like a bill.

TELEMARKETER

It's not a bill. It's a donation. You send us a check or money order in a week.

DORA

So I'm required to send a check or money order once I get the envelope?

TELEMARKETER

Yes.

DORA

You send me an envelope with a week's deadline to pay. Isn't that a bill?

TELEMARKETER

Yesssss.... So, can I get your commitment over the phone tonight?

DORA

No. [click]

Josh informed me later that a lot of these supposed police departments who call asking for donations are scams. They'll donate about $0.25 of your $30 to the police so it's not a complete lie.

Before anyone suggests it to me - Yes, I'm on the Do Not Call List. I've been on it since I moved in here.

Dora: 2

Telemarketers: 0